


i wanna be reckless

by letmeintoheaven



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, zayn leaves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-24 21:27:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6167389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/letmeintoheaven/pseuds/letmeintoheaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn tells Liam he wants/needs to quit 1D.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i wanna be reckless

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from "Reckless" by Alex Hepburn (I think this song fits Zayn).

The silence of the night does little to nothing to ease Zayn. He’s been thinking, too much lately. He is laying on his back in his bed that feels too big, looking at the ceiling. He's trying to find there some answers. It’s been days and the ceiling won’t give him any right answer.

He’s been feeling incredibly lonely. Lonely and trapped. The feeling is sickening, when he knows he is surrounded by 4 of the people he loves most on the planet. He kind of hates himself for the days that are coming ahead of him, because he knows that whatever he ends up doing, he is going to break things. He hopes with all his heart that he will be able to fix back some pieces.

He’s been thinking about it for months, but it’s been almost three weeks since he started to feel really depressed and like he couldn’t take it anymore. The work asked of them was way much more than,, after 5 years, he could take. Because it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel real to him anymore. Everything feels like a duty, he doesn’t enjoy this anymore. If he knows he can't control this feeling, he still hates himself for it. 

His mum always told him to follow his heart. And his heart cries for some peace, for some freedom. But his heart is also full of his 4 bandmates, best friends, brothers, and he aches at the thought of leaving them. They will hate him, won’t they?

It’s been days now that sleep won’t come and his mind is running itself out. He feels so unbelievably tired, he feels like screaming, he feels like crying, he feels like giving up. There are no good options, right? Whatever he does he’ll end up hurting. If he stays, he knows his mind state will only get worse and as he'll feel more trapped and depressed every day he will eventually start hating his boys for it; he can’t have that. But if he leaves, if he finally gather the courage to do it, it means hurting his boys and having them undoubtedly hate him in some ways.

He rubs his eyes. He just wants to fucking sleep. He knows his mind is too busy worrying and anxiety is too set up in his bones for that to happen, so he rolls slowly out of bed. He is so tired of feeling that lonely, he knows he should talk to the boys. The idea is frightening but it also seems like the only thing to do now. Talk it out, find solutions, hear them reassure him that they still love him and will still love him no matter what. That’s what he needs.

He goes, as quietly as possible, to Liam’s bedroom. Zayn feels almost irrationally scared, but he is certain Liam will listen to him, Liam will be able to comfort him, Liam will maybe understand. He’s always been the one understanding him the most. When he was lost, Liam always been the one showing him the good path. Liam, noble, righteous, overly good, strong, excessively warm, brave Liam. So he opens the door, and upon seeing him laying there appeased and oblivious, he almost turns back. He doesn’t. Instead, after spending a few seconds watching Liam’s delicate features, he climbs on the side of the bed and whispers his name.

Liam stirs and groans a little. Zayn almost laughs, as he sees Liam’s frowning face trying to open his eyes and figure out what is happening. When Liam’s gaze falls on Zayn, his face immediately softens and Zayn’s heart tightens at that.

“Z” Liam rises to sit down on the bed. His eyes are filled with worry.

“What is happening mate? you ok?”

Zayn lays on his back without answering, Liam watching him with a concerned gaze.

“You know you can tell me anything right?”

“I’ve noticed you know? Your weird behavior and sad eyes lately, I see what is happening, I can see something’s not right anymore.”

Liam lays back down next to him. They don’t say anything for a few minutes.  
Deep down, Liam knows what’s coming. He knows how Zayn works so he waits patiently.  
Zayn stays silent for a few more minutes, trying to put his words carefully. Words are dangerous weapons  
Five more seconds pass.

 

“I feel like I don’t belong anymore.” 

His voice breaks and he can’t look at Liam. The silence is ringing in his ears.  
They lay there without saying anything more for a long time. He can practically hear Liam’s mind going over his words, putting sense to them, understanding what he is implying. 

After what seems like an eternity, Liam speaks. It's so soft that he wouldn’t have heard it if he wasn’t dreading the answer.

“Is your mind set up then?”

You’re leaving us then, is what Zayn hears. His throat tightens and he feels his eyes filling up. He wants to say no, he wants to say are you crazy, he wants to say of course no, I could never leave you. But the answer is yes and he can’t bring himself to say it. He finds himself unable to say anything more. 

More time flies by, both have their eyes fixed on the ceiling. The silence is not loud anymore, but without being comfortable, it’s easy.

Liam is the one breaking it again, surprisingly, without talking. He starts humming.  
Zayn instantly recognizes the song. He would have laughed at LIam’s antics if he didn’t want to cry so bad.

Liam hums quietly. Zayn’s heart aches so bad, so fucking bad.

_“you tell me that you’re sad and lost your way”_

Liam starts singing gently.

_“tell me that your tears are here to stay”_

_“but I know you were only hiding and I just wanna see you”_

He tries so hard but Liam sings so softly, and it’s so warm, Zayn can’t hold back a sob. A sob followed by silent tears.

_“you tell me that you’re hurt and you’re in pain and I can see your head is held in shame”_

Liam starts stroking his arm slowly, and at the touch, Zayn’s tears only double.

_“but I just wanna see you smile again’’_

Zayn lifts his gaze to meet Liam’s. _“see you smile again”_

As expected, his eyes are soft and filled up with love and Zayn finds himself hating himself a little bit more.  
With an head sign, Liam encourages him to straighten up so he does. At that, Liam expends his arms and Zayn slides into them.

_“but don’t burn out, even if you scream and shout, it’ll come back to you’’_

_“and I’ll be here for you”_

They stay that way for a long time, Liam rubbing his back as he lets his tears flow freely and allows himself to relax into the comforting touch.  
Liam continues to sing quietly to him, his voice appease him as much as his beating heart does.  
Eventually, the weariness catches him up and he falls asleep there, holding onto Liam’s promise. 

_We will find a way through the dark._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you loved it!  
> Comments are always really much appreciated and you can find me at [pinhazpple](http://pinhazpple.tumblr.com/) on tumblr to say hi!


End file.
